had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
