Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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