Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
