I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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