I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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