i think i have two assholes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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