do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
