i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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