Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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