so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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