So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
