mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
