Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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