im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
