You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
