I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
