your parents love me but you hate me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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