Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
