i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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