i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
