my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize