We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
