well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
