Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize