Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
