do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
