whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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