if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
