i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
