Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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