that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't deserve a penis
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
