This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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