i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
