apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
