see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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