Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
