And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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