I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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