Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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