Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
