im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
