My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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