Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize