remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
