This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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