I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
