I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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