I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
