you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
