I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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