Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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