you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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