ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
