When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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