So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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