____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
