Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
