How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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