its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize