I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
