Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
