the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
